Re-entry

It is now eighteen days after our arrival in Santiago. I’ve been back to my previous life and job for two full weeks now.

Early on, somebody asked me “how’s re-entry been?” I’m not sure I gave a coherent answer at the time, and I’m not sure I’m going to give one now, either.

In short, it’s been difficult. I was expecting the same sort of culture-shock and dislocation that affected us last time. That is certainly present, and it’s definitely something that I’m working through as I process the lessons and miracles of the Camino.

Added to that, however, is a profound sense of lack, particularly in my work. It has, I’m ashamed to say, risen to the level of anger quite frequently in my first few days back. Shortest time between sacramental confessions in my life, that was.

It’s calmed down a little – or perhaps I’ve calmed down a little – but it’s definitely still there as background to every moment I’m at work or commuting. From anger, I’ve walked right into sorrow.

And what do I mean by a sense of lack in my work?

It’s just this – nothing that I do at my job particularly matters. In the long run, it will not save a single soul or nurture a single life. There is also what I can only describe as a lack of support and a cutting of resources constantly undermining any corporate good I might be doing. How bad is it? The only guy who backed up my position was laid off while I was gone.

At first, I was angry. The careful edifice of documentation and management that I’d built up over five years was being disassembled by well-meaning folks who have no idea what they’re doing but are confident that their new methodology will work – the hubris of amateurism.

Now, I’m just sad to see all that work – five years worth – perfectly wasted.

The punches keep flying.

I served Monday at the funeral Mass of beloved priest of the Archdiocese. This was a difficult couple of days, for a host of reasons.

And then, a few days ago our eldest cat Lucy Loo died.

So a pretty rough couple of weeks.

Within all of that, I am struggling to keep the spirit of the Camino working in my life. This time, it is requiring a conscious effort. This time I’m not nostalgic for the Camino so much as desperate to keep its flame alive.